Social Shyness: Overcoming Shyness

Have you ever asked yourself question like; why was I not audacious like my friend, why do I almost lose my breath at a sight that seems uncomfortable, why do I find it very difficult to talk to the opposite sex confidently? These and many other questions are still hanging in the hearts of many youths and singles today, and were yet to be answered. We live in a world full of people living with timidity and introversion without any sign of concern or probably the solutions to this tends not to surface through an attempt made to get rid of it. This aspect of life has no respect for age, race, profession or achievement; it plagues almost anybody that gives it the opportunity to do so. This is the phenomenon called Shyness.

I believe that there is hope for the youth and singles, reason being that there is still time to deal with the issue of shyness now before they get old of which at that stage in life, it would be extremely difficult to change or adapt to any habit or norms. I am not saying that there is no hope for the oldies, all I am saying in a nutshell is that it easier to correct an habit when an individual is still young than when he is old.

Okay, what is shyness anyway?

It is act of being uncomfortable, reserved, and diffident, in the company of others. I remembered during my secondary school days, I use to be a victim of a very high level of shyness. I do not speak with the girls in my class. Therefore, I do everything possible to avoid them, because confronting them meant trouble for me, so I decided to stay off them, but this is just for a short while. After some time I began commanding attraction from them (unwillingly and unknown to me) and finally, what I have been trying to avoid came up to me face to face! It was hell for me when a girl in my class walked up to me and started discussing some stuff. I felt very scratchy, my BP (blood pressure) rises very fast, my heartbeats increased rapidly. I was controlling my hands and legs because they were shaking and finally, my body was covered with sweat, all these happened in few seconds.

Thereafter, I began to wonder why I was not myself at that point, I began to speculate why I could not put my body tension under control, I later realize that it is the sentiment that we all refer to as “shyness”. Shyness is not necessarily bad, because it is a normal feeling, but there are actually negative things that could be caused by shyness. If a person is shy then he or she can miss many opportunities that may have contributed to that person’s success.

So, what are the causes of shyness and how can we deal with them, is there any way out or do
we have to accept it as our fate and live with it forever until we enter six feet below; is there no hope for those us that wish to break off?. Well, I am happy to say that there is good news, because I am a product of this transformation, so I know what it takes to be in the confine of shyness and finally be set free.

We shall be looking at some of the causes of shyness and the way out.

CAUSES OF SHYNESS

1.Sometime Hereditary: Some research has shown that shyness runs in families. That explains the reason why some youth and singles find themselves in the claws of shyness for an inexplicable reason(s). Before you start looking outside, take a close look at your mum and dad and see if there are any traces of shyness. Despite the fact that it is sometimes hereditary does not indicate that it could not be handle, it depends on the individual’s willingness to let go.

2. Exposure to new situations: Now, this is very practical. So many youth and singles had not been exposed to some certain atmosphere or situation and they tend to express shyness when confronted with such. I remembered the first time I told a female friend of mine that she looks beautiful, see looks surprised, dazed and uncomfortable, for whatever reasons that may have seems, to me all those gestures were shyness in expression. Do you still remember the experience I cited earlier with the girl in my class? These entire events are quite new to some of us and may take some time to acclimatize into our system.

One situation that usually brings out the shyness among youths and singles is during dates (going out wit h a friend) with the opposite sex. Dates are usually spontaneous and vague; you may never know what will happen next so you tend to be shy. You try to impress your date but at the same time, you feel shy and nervous. The feeling of shyness is most common during first dates. Additionally, being introduced to a person for the first time can also bring out the shyness in you. Because individuals do not know anything about the person, they are being introduced to or because they are unfamiliar with them, they tend to be shy.

Moreover, being complimented with the way you look, speaks, act, or for your work can also bring about shyness. Some youths become self-conscious and shy when they are given compliments. I personally notice this in females; oh, females could be so consternated after an unexpected compliment. Recently I was walking within our compound and saw a lady from another domicile; I noticed her beauty and so decided to give her a compliment with the word
“you look beautiful”. She exclaimed “Ah” (because she was not expecting it and therefore could not imagine herself being appreciated that much) eventually, she manage to say, “thank you” after a while. That was a good example of shyness borne out of an unexpected remark or compliment.

3. Low self-esteem: This is one of the severe causes of shyness; this particular factor is so rampant that it has almost plagued everyone at a point in time. A person with a low self-esteem mindset will not regard himself relevant to the society, he feels he is a minus instead of being a plus to the social order, and therefore fail to see his relevance and usefulness to his community. I remember in my secondary school days, we used to have some students in the class, all they do is to agree to whatever have been discussed without contributing to any of the exercise, they always believe that their opinion is useless and invalid, probably they were intimidate by the presence of those they consider to the “lucky students”.

Moreover, an individual who think they have nothing to say or who does not believe they are worth interacting with will not likely be bold enough to come forth, on the contrary, they will draw back from such instances, anticipating rejection. Individual with this state of mind are not far from the care of shyness, because they always look at others being better off than they are, so they decided to continue in this state and often expresses shyness to the highness level.

4. Broken Families: This is also another major cause of shyness. A youth or an individual with a parental predicament can sometimes be a victim of shyness. Broken relationship often affects them in the sense that they live their lives with the guilt of the incident and tends to maintain it in their mental faculty, and this memory, which seems latent, emerges when they see individuals with a blissful family life.

EFFECT OF SHYNESS

Definitely, nothing comes without its effect(s). Therefore, the same goes with shyness, here are some of the effects of shyness.

1. Difficulties making friends: Individual that exhibit shyness often finds it extremely difficult to makes friends, because the act of making friends is about coming out of one’s comfort zone to meet with people of different background, mentality, culture and values, it therefore requires self-expression, which is very difficult for a shy person to display.

2. Lack of Expression: You hardly can communicate with a shy person; neither will you understand them, because they barely express their emotions. Humans are emotional being and this aspect of our lives is what makes our values, principles, ideology, mentality and personality known to others, in others words, if your values are not known they stand the chances of being abused.

3. Low self-esteem: We mentioned earlier that low self-esteem is one of the causes of shyness, but that is just a part of it, it also manifest as an effect of shyness. You will notice that when an individual possesses the act of shyness they always exhibit low esteem alongside with it. The reason being that they felt so discouraged, unworthy of their presence, values and contribution, therefore creating a boundary of low self-esteem around themselves. This also makes accessing them a very difficult task.

OVERCOMING SHYNESS
After we had discovered the causes of shyness and its effects, we can go to explore the ways by which this can be handled and managed, here is a few guiding principle that will do.

1. Building self-confidence: This is the first step to take when attempting to overcome shyness. This step is very helpful, reason being that the act of shyness is a mental exercise; this indicates that it evolves from the mind, therefore, to have an effective triumph over shyness; you have to start developing a positive view of yourself. One of the ways to do this is to value and appreciate yourself and do not view yourself as irrelevant, but as important as others. One of the things I do personally to boost my self confidence is to take pictures with my phone, additionally, I use words of motivation for myself, such as “I am looking terrific (exceptionally good)” this is one of the effective and simple ways to boosting your self confidence.

2. Create an impression: Act the way you want to be and feel. Try this exercise in your privacy and most importantly in of your mental visualization. I remembered during my secondary school days, I used to be very shy because I do not have a self worth. Therefore, whenever I decided to answer a question in class I have to start with the clause “just want to try”, this I say because of my low self esteem and it serve as a hiding place for me in case I botched the question, but you know what, it almost turn that I am right all the time. This also explains the reason why I use the clause when I am answering a question even though I know it, because it’s almost becoming part of me. Create a great impression for yourself and you will discover that you are changing in no time.

3. Realize that you are unique: One of easiest way of overcoming shyness is to realize that you are unique. You have to know that you have something to offer the other person either to improve their lives or create a solution in a situation. You also need to realize that you are one of a kind, nobody is like you and no one else can do what only you can do. There is a unique potential inside of you, which is exclusively for you and can only be utilize by you and no one else. In addition, when you have a thought or idea that deserves to be heard, you are not only hurting yourself by keeping quiet, you are hurting the people around you.

Think about this; think of a football player that has an open shot that he can make, and he decides to pass instead, that player is being selfish and hurting the team. When you pass up the chance to excel because of shyness or the fear of failure, you are hurting the group to shelter yourself and this is very unhelpful. You have to understand that other people need you. They need your intelligence and insight. They need your help to work through problems. By hiding behind shyness, you limit the help you can give to your friends, family members, and colleagues.

4. Be involved in social works: Here is another way that can help overcoming shyness. Be engaged in a socials gathering, this gives you the opportunity to meet with various categories of people and serves as a vital tool to dispel the spirit of shyness. Meeting different individuals in a gathering boost your self worth and make you feel the same level of importance with others. If you do not have the confidence to approach someone new then, smile and try to be approachable. Most people are receptive to a smile and a friendly face. Overcoming shyness can start with something as simple as a smile! Give this a trial and see its great effect and impacts on you life. You will greatly be surprised at the rate you will conquer your shyness.

5. Examine why you are shy: Another effective way to overcoming shyness is to examine the reason(s) for the shyness itself. There is a saying that goes like this “knowing who the enemy is in a battle makes the battle an easy warfare”. This indicates that for you to conquer your enemy in the battlefield, you need to have an appropriate understanding of his nature and characteristics. Knowing the reason(s) why you are shy can also be an effective way of overcoming shyness. Look into some of the causes discussed and see the one that applies to you, then take these practical steps, when you do, you are sure on your way to overcoming it. I believe, with these simple steps considered and practiced carefully, you will extremely overcome the general phenomenon called shyness. Until we meet again, stay bold, valiant and strong.

All people face situations in which they feel shy, even the confident ones. Shyness is experienced even with successful business people and famous personalities at times. There is no need to be ashamed of shyness and if you get the hang of how to go about it, you can easily overcome it. In all probability, up till now, you have not been exposed to the proven and accurate methods of dealing with it.

One can define shyness as the difficulty people face in creating a connection with other people. Due to shyness, a lot of people find it hard to think of the right things to say in a particular social setting. Others experience physical apprehension due to it.

Usually, for people, it is a combination of both. The social attributes that average people find normal such as making conversation, smiling, maintaining eye contact and remaining relaxed are difficult for shy people to accomplish.

A shy person considers attending social functions and meeting new people a real nightmare. Nobody likes to stand alone in a corner, but a person who is shy would prefer that over approaching new people.

Developing new social skills and habits will help you learn how to build confidence and overcome shyness. Shy people usually exert immense effort to start conversations and attend parties. The most important factor when it comes to overcoming shyness is determination.

Five ways in which you can overcome shyness:

1. Anxiety around other people and low self-confidence are reasons for shyness. When a person finds it difficult to have conversations and does not know how to behave in social situation, shyness results.
Shy people find all people intimidating in general. They find it impossible to overcome their shyness. But there are several sources that can offer you help.

2. First thing you should do is find out why you feel shy. There are a number of underlying reasons behind the different reactions of people in different situations. Next, try to behave confident when in private and keep practicing till it reflects in your public behavior. Speak firmly and walk confidently and very soon you will find yourself behaving much the same way even in social settings. Although it sounds ridiculous, you should try to force yourself to act as if you are not really shy as this can really help you overcome your shyness completely.

3. One sure-shot method of boosting self-confidence is by always looking good. If you look good, you will feel good and it will really enhance your self-esteem. Get over your fear of being rejected by thinking of the worst thing that can happen in a social event. If the real outcome is less devastating than the one you thought of, you will find it more relaxing to talk to people. You should keenly observe acquaintances and strangers and the manner in which they deal with people as this can be a great way of learning how to deal with them yourself.

4. If you feel it is difficult for you to get over your shyness, you could join clubs and go to events that you find interesting. It is less intimidating and more comfortable when you are around people who have something in common with you. As you both will already have something in common, initial conversation will not be difficult to initiate.

5. If you feel you are lacking in the confidence that is required to approach a new person, then make yourself approachable by smiling. Most people gravitate to a friendly face and a smile. You could also take along with you somebody that you are comfortable with in order to lessen the anxiety.

In the humans, shyness is a feeling of insecurity or awkwardness that certain people experience while being among others, talking with others, asking favors of others, etc. In zoology, shy generally means, a tendency to avoid human beings.

Shyness is most likely to occur during many of the unfamiliar situations, since many shy people thus avoid these situations in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, the situation remains unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates by itself. Shyness may also fade with time and a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually come to lose this trait when he becomes older.

The problem of shyness can either involve having trouble thinking of what to say in social situations or to involve crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both types of symptoms. For a shy person, these effects can be quite disastrous.

Behavioural traits in social situations, such as smiling, thinking of suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture and making good eye-contact, which come spontaneously for an average person, may be relatively absent for a shy person.

People experience shyness to various degrees. For example, an actor may be loud and bold on stage, but very shy in an interview. In addition, some people may feel shy around certain people and not others. For instance, one may be outgoing with friends, but experience love-shyness towards potential partners.

Shy people tend to perceive their own shyness as a negative trait and many people are uneasy with the shyness, especially in cultures that value individuality and taking charge. On the other hand, many shy people are perceived to be good listeners and are more likely to think before they can speak. Furthermore, boldness, the opposite of shyness, may cause its own problems, such as impertinence or an inappropriate behavior.

The initial cause of shyness does vary. Scientists have located some of the genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is born and raised can affect their shyness. Shyness can originate after a person has experienced a physical anxiety reaction; at other times, shyness seems to develop first and then later causes the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Shyness does differ from social anxiety, which is an experience of fear, apprehension or worry regarding social situations. Often, shyness can be mistaken with aggressivity, arrogance, or introversion due to the shy person’s attempts to avoid an uneasy situation.

Shyness is not directly related to introversion, according, introverts choose to avoid these social situations because they derive no reward from them, and may find the extra sensory input overwhelming. Shy people do fear such situations and feel that they must avoid them.

If you know someone who is shy, try to help the person feel less nervous. Name-calling or teasing will make that person feel even more shy, so try to avoid it at the first instance. The more time you spend with the person, the less shy he or she may feel around you. You might even tell him or her about a time that you felt shy and that will definitely help the person to understand that everyone feels shy sometimes, nobody is an exception.

All of us are familiar with social anxiety, having experienced it at some point of our lives. It is the worry, apprehension, fear, and nervousness that we feel with regard to a social context, a situation in which we are exposed to a number of people.

Social anxiety is of different types and intensities. If some people are terrified of public speaking, others are just shy, an emotion that manifests as a blush or excessive sweating. Shy people might avoid crowds altogether because they feel that people view them negatively.

Shyness versus Social Anxiety

Little children commonly hide behind parents when accosted by strangers. Commonly, they outgrow this tendency. Some people, however, grow up with this shyness, which might develop into social anxiety. Factors such as environment and upbringing determine the time taken by a child to overcome this shyness.

Ultimately, many people get over social anxiety and learn to actually enjoy being in the midst of a social gathering. Although they might not become social butterflies, they will have no qualms about mingling in a crowd.

But there are some people who are never able to overcome social anxiety. They suffer from what is commonly known as social anxiety disorder or social phobia. Such people require professional help.

Difference between Shyness and Social Anxiety

Sometimes, it is difficult to identify the line of demarcation between social anxiety and mere shyness. Normally, shyness wears away with age. It is commonly believed that shyness and patterns of social behavior are inherited traits; some people believe that it is acquired. Shyness does not permit some of us to enjoy being with strangers while others thrive in the company of people, especially strangers.

On the contrary, social anxiety becomes worse with the passage of time. It can not only lead to extreme distress, but also the inability to interact with other human beings. People with social anxiety feels that they are constantly watched and that their behavior is contiuously analyzed. While, in some cases, this may be true, people with social anxiety usually have an exaggerated idea of the social attention they attract. There are statistics to point out the fact that over 13% Americans suffer from social anxiety at some point of their lives.

Trembling, blushing, sweating, palpitations, stammering, and nausea are some of the common symptoms of social anxiety. Extreme cases of social anxiety might also experience panic attacks.

Individuals suffering from social anxiety can benefit greatly from psychotherapy; it could be group or individual therapy. When used in combination with cognitive behavior therapy, any therapy can work wonders.

Are you ever shy?  Shyness is actually very common.

Most people experience some degree of shyness from time to time in certain situations.  In fact, only about 7% of people claim that they never feel shy.  For the rest of us, shyness can range from being a minor inconvenience, to being a major problem.

Some people suffer from overwhelming shyness that is extreme.  Such acute shyness is not only very painful to experience, but it can be devastating in its effects on a person’s social life, happiness, and career. 

The degree of shyness can vary a lot from person to person, and even in the same person it can vary depending on the situation.

Some shy people are paralyzed with fear in small social gatherings, yet they may be able to speak in front of an audience of thousands of people.   Some people are only shy the first few times they meet someone new.

Various psychological therapies have been used to treat extreme shyness, but most of them have  limited success.  The most successful approaches for treating shyness use some variation of cognitive therapy, or behavioral therapy, or both of these, combined with graduated and increasing exposure to the feared situation. 

In cognitive therapy, the patient is taught to notice the thoughts he is thinking while he is in the feared situation.  The client learns to challenge his thoughts to see if they fit reality.  If these thoughts do not match the reality, the client is taught to substitute more realistic thoughts in their place.

Behavioral therapy aims to change the client’s behavior using a program of positive reinforcement of the desired behavior, and negative reinforcement of the undesired behavior.

Both cognitive therapy and behavior therapy focus on teaching the client to deal with situations and symptoms in the present.  Neither form of therapy delves into situations in the client’s distant past.  Those forms of psychotherapy that attempt to deal with shyness by delving into the client’s past history have not been shown to be effective.

In the past decade, researchers have discovered that some anti-depressant medications, particularly the so-called SSRI’s (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors), can also be very helpful in the treatment of extreme shyness. 

One of these SSRI drugs, Paxil, was the first to receive American F.D.A. approval as an effective treatment for social anxiety.  In fact, ads for Paxil as a treatment for social anxiety have been marketed directly to the public, not just to doctors.

Does drug treatment for shyness really work?  Some very socially anxious people who have tried everything that regular psychotherapy has to offer, including cognitive therapy, still suffer from terrible shyness until they try SSRI drugs.  In some cases, the improvement in their shyness symptoms happens very quickly.  This class of drugs seems to help the socially anxious person turn down the excessive volume of their inner judgmental thoughts.

Does this mean you should consider taking a pill to make you more friendly?  There are pros and cons to be considered when deciding whether or not to take a drug for social anxiety.  The SSRI drugs can cause nervous agitation, insomnia, weight gain, and loss of interest in sexual activity.

SSRI drugs may have serious long term effects on the brain which are not known yet. 

Some medical doctors and psychologists are concerned that we are using powerful medications to treat shyness, which is a common, normal human condition.

It can be very easy to find a doctor who will prescribe a pill for you to overcome your social anxiety.  However, when you stop taking the drug, your shyness will probably reappear.

If you spend several months working with an experienced shyness therapist learning new ways of thinking and behaving when you are around other people, it is more likely that the improvements will last for the rest of your life.

This article is written by Royane Real, author of the new book “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want”  To read more self help articles about shyness and  making friends, visit her new site at http://friendshipvillage.bravehost.com/