Many people suffer from shyness. Most, with experience, either overcome it or manage to conceal it; until, they meet strangers of the opposite sex at a time when they earnestly desire to present themselves at their most advantageous.
People – who have acquired the art of communicating with strangers for professional or business reasons or just to improve their social skills – when faced with the ordeal of meeting a prospective partner suddenly forget all they have accomplished and end up a quivering mess.
I was recently at a party where a young man named James was introduced to strikingly beautiful Anthea. His wide blushing smile did not reveal his shyness as much as his words `Hello James, my name’s Anthea’ he said to the rather taken-aback Anthea.
Shyness can be an appealing quality. Many men prefer a shy woman to a pushy one. She not only presents more of a challenge but, also, often he may be attracted to the element of mystery that surrounds a shy woman. The same can be said for women.
Many a woman will go out of her way to put a shy man at ease or even take up the challenge of drawing him out. Few of us admire the pushy type so, if you are shy, be thankful that you are blessed with such a fine quality.
Most shy people can be quite at ease in one-on-one discussions but lose their confidence when the circle of people widens. When you are daunted by the prospect of facing a crowd, even if it is only a small crowd, block out fears of shyness by concentrating on one person at a time.
You are probably very good at eyeball-to-eyeball conversations, approach a crowd with the attitude that you are about to engage in several head-to-head conversations.
Should you be addressed by one person within a circle of people do not feel, as so often we do, that you are obliged to reply to him in as loud a tone as his. Direct your reply, quietly, to him alone; as well as redirecting the attention away from yourself, you have taken control of the situation and converted – what began as addressing a crowd – into an eyeball-to-ball discussion; one that you will feel decidedly more comfortable with.
Shyness is often mistaken for snobbery. You wouldn’t want to be mistaken for a snob would you? The word communication comes from the Latin communico, meaning share. . .
Why is it that those who have something to say can’t say it, while those who have nothing to say keep saying it. The extrovert is usually a generous natured person who has no trouble in giving of himself – to a fault – whilst the introvert holds on to himself like grim death.
Oscar Wilde said, `There is a good deal to be said for blushing if one can do it at the proper moment’, but to avoid blushing, a wide smile can redirect your concentration causing that embarrassingly awkward glow to either disappear or detract from your, perhaps all-consuming, awareness.
Developing Your Social Expertise
1 When you approach a stranger tell him honestly how you feel. If you are shy at a large gathering, say so. Your stranger may agree, tell you how he copes or take you under his wing.
If you speak honestly about yourself it gives your stranger the opportunity to open-up about himself. Honesty is a good way to begin a conversation and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
2 Talk about your surroundings. There is always something you can pick on to start a discussion and if all else fails there is the weather. If you cannot get people to listen to you tell them it’s confidential but don’t forget a confidence aims at glory, scandal, an excuse or propaganda.
3 Say something about the person you approach. They will usually respond with attentiveness if you show an interest in them. As Benjamin Disraeli put it, `Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours’. Or Dale Carnegie’s advice: `You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Praise does wonders for our sense of hearing and flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself. Remember – a gossip talks about others, a bore talks about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist talks about you.
4 Ask questions: most people are happy to answer questions, especially if it’s about themselves.
5 It is important that you have the patience to listen to the answers of others. It’s an art to be able to listen. Too few people take the time to listen. A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something. As one extroverted friend of mine says, `There is nothing so frustrating as a person who keeps right on talking while I’m trying to interrupt’.
William Shakespeare wrote, `Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice’ and Voltaire: `The road to the heart is the ear’ and David Augsburger: `An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart’.
6 If you treat each new person you meet as a journey of discovery, as well as learning more about life, and how the other half live, you will enrich your own life and make many friends along the way.
7 Develop a friendly approach to everyone: the paper boy, the postman, whoever you call on regularly or pass in the street in your neighbourhood; beside making new friends, you will be developing your social skills while overcoming your shyness. The more practice you get at communication with people the easier it will be to strike up an easy conversation with a special person.
Target practice on easy prey so that when a major challenge comes your way, you will hardly notice the difference. Is that what Alfred, Lord Tennyson was referring to when he wrote, `I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair?
After all, the only secret to overcoming shyness is to not let what you are feeling get to you before you get to it. Think you can or think you can’t, either way you will be right.
Rosalind Baker is the Principal and Founder of Entre Nous Introduction Agency, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, and author of 3 best sellers, Dial A Woman, Dial A Man and Dial A Personality To find out: Your Personality Type, or to find out”, Are You Eligible” or “Are you ready for a relationship?” visit: www.singles.net.au
Rosalind Baker’s professional commitment to ‘match making’ is well into its second decade, although she has always possessed that innate ability to pair people off. She even introduced her ex-husband to his next wife!
Having established Entre Nous: Relationship Consultants & Educators in 1991 she has now lost count of the number of relationships the organisation has helped to establish.
While there have been many ‘fly-by-night’ introduction agencies over the past two decades in Melbourne, Entre Nous has stood the test of time. This is due, in no small part, to the professionalism and passion of Rosalind Baker.
She has written three best sellers. The first, ‘Dial A Woman’ offers advice to Australian men on how to choose the right partner and then maintain a successful relationship.
The obvious sequel, ‘Dial A Man’ advised women on how to recognise and attract the man of their dreams. While writing her third book, ‘Dial a Personality’, she realised she had discovered the successful formula for matching couples.
As a journalist Rosalind has written extensively on social affairs and women’s issues and is a well-known social commentator on courtship.
Rosalind has been the delegate representing Australian and New Zealand at the International Institute of Introduction Services.
She is a keen follower of the Arts and supports Opportunity International.
She had four children and with her new husband, Tom Baker, they now have 11 grandchildren between them.
