Social Shyness: Overcoming Shyness

You may have found ways over the years to reduce your anxiety but the shyness and avoidance tendencies remained.  So in reality you feel like you have not made any progress.  In essence, you are dealing with three separate entities – shyness, anxiety and behaviours and each needs its own management system.  The confidence that comes from managing all three creates its own momentum but until that point, it feels like you are taking 3 steps forward and 5 back.  If we look at them in turn we can see they come from different points in the body – anxiety is the body’s response to a stress trigger, shyness is really about how you feel about yourself and being in the company of others and the avoidance techniques are automatic responses that the subconscious mind feels are for your benefit. 

The power control for shyness and avoidance behaviours is in the subconscious mind and it makes sense that the subconscious mind must be used to make these changes lifelong.  You know that being logical makes no difference long-term because the root of the problem is in the subconscious mind.  So how do you access the subconscious – through hypnosis.  Hypnosis is a concentrated relaxation (the concentration is the change you want to make). 

In our waking state, the beta state, the conscious mind is on guard, filtering, hearing and seeing what it wants to see and hear and disregarding anything else.  As the body relaxes you move into the alpha state which is a consciousness of what is going (rather than the conscious part of the mind) – you can go through the memories and feelings attached to past events and review them in an objective sense and with your adult’s self now determine whether they warrant the control that you have allowed them to have.  You are removing the emotional attachment from these memories.  As you move into theta, the creative part, the imaginative part of the brain waves, you can see how you want to be now, how you would feel not being social anxious, the positive difference it would make to your life.  Also you are aware of any fear of changing that is present and analyze this fear’s concerns.  Then with delta these changes are being absorbed into the deep recesses of the subconscious mind.  You have to bring all the sense into play, you have to make it real.  The subconscious mind does not know the difference between what is real or imagined so this is used for you to rehearse how you want things to be – a comfortable you, feeling relaxed in company.  In this way, we are changing the avoidance behaviours.  Accepting yourself for as you are and knowing that you are entitled to take up space on this world and be counted.  Making the improvements you need to make, being less self conscious and embracing life.  But you have to want to change, you have to make the decision to embrace change so that you can be relaxed in the company of others, no matter what goes on.  It doesn’t matter what anyone says or does to you, it is only your response that gives it worth.

Do you have a weak sounding singing or speaking voice? Does your voice get “lost” when you sing with a karaoke track or a band? Let’s look at one of the most common reasons for having a weak, uninteresting voice.

There are several causes of singing or speaking with a weak, uninteresting voice. In this article we’re going to examine the first of these…shyness.

It’s difficult to change the way you basically are (shy) just because you are singing a song or giving a speech. But, did you know that many of our greatest singers, comedians, speakers and actors suffer from extreme shyness, and yet are able to go on stage and become someone who is able to inspire others with their outreaching personalities and ability to communicate?

Tom Hanks, Lucille Ball, Bob Dylan, Carry Underwood, Cher, David Letterman, Diane Schurr, Elvis Presley, George Harrison, Ella Fitzgerald, Jim Carrey, Harrison Ford, Johnny Carson and many many others have publicly admitted being extremely shy. Most of them remain(ed) shy in their day to day lives, and yet were able to reach fame and fortune by replacing their shy persona with outgoing, powerful persona when they got on stage.

If you are shy your singing and speaking will probably be shy. There are terrific books, videos, seminars and classes which can help you with this problem. Go on the web, visit a bookstore find a good therapist. But first you must admit and accept your shyness. If you shrug it off and say “oh that’s just the way I am” you’ll never become a singer or public speaker. You don’t have to change the way you are, but you do need to learn how to put it aside when you are performing.

A useful tip is to “play” a character when singing a song. Like an actor, become the person who wrote the song. What are they feeling? Whom are they speaking to? What motivates the song or speech? Go there and you can leave your shy self behind for those minutes you are singing the song or speaking the speech. Many others do it, and so can you.

Oh, and don’t forget that one of the main reasons we are shy about singing or public speaking is that we are insecure in our abilities. Find a good teacher and learn to be excellent at whatever you want to do. It’s in our natures to avoid doing things in public that we don’t do well. Shyness is another word for fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being judged. Substitute the word “stage-fright” for shyness and the symptoms are the same. So many of those fears can be eliminated by just becoming very good at your singing and performing.

In this cyber world of email, computer games, ATM’s and other automated services anxiety and insecurity is on the increase as society fails to develop the social skills we need for human interaction. It used to be thought that Shyness was purely a product of our environment but we are beginning to understand that there is also an element of genetics involved. Whatever the cause though there are effective ways available to us that will help us overcome our shyness.

The first strategy that will help you overcome your anxiety is to clearly identify your personal triggers. Is it public speaking? Is it parties or other social gatherings? Focus on how you feel before these events. Do you project into the future and tell yourself in advance exactly how you are going to react? What physical symptoms do you experience? Give all your focus to the physical sensations you experience without attaching a story to them. Go as deeply into the sensations as you can. Where are they in your body? Do they move into different areas of the body as your anxiety grows? When we experience the physical symptoms of the anxiety without giving weight to the thoughts attached to them then what you are doing is disempowering the thought. Try this practice whenever you remember to and over a period of time you will notice the anxiety diminish considerably.

As part of this process of deconstructing the negative thought patterns that create the stress you can also write down the stories that come up for you. As soon as they appear in your mind put them down on paper. Doing this can be incredibly enlightening. While the thoughts remain in mind space they exercise a power over you. When you see them in black and white these thoughts come often seem quite ridiculous. Use the following questions to help you eradicate these negative thoughts. Is this story true? Can you really know it is true? How does the thought make you feel? Where would you be without this thought?

The last part of this powerfully healing process is to replace the negative thought patterns with positive ones. Take the stories you have written down and try to find their turnarounds. Write down the exact opposite of that story. Could that be equally true? Replay the new positive thought as a mantra and watch your self esteem grow.

Roland Poitevin is a dedicated writer with a passion for business and environmental issues.

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Your child needs all the help he can get when it comes to overcoming a shy streak. Kids are not typically born with an energetic spirit and they would typically need our help to be able to get past through that shy streak. As people who are older than them, kids will look to us to help them get through this awkward phase of getting to know other people and becoming as sociable as they can really be. Since we are the closest people to them, we can definitely do some great things that would help them come out of their shell.

1. Start with finding a good preschool – Kids may feel shy and overwhelmed with the thought of having too many people around them. When finding a preschool it would be best to consider an institution which only gets a few students so that their teachers can focus on them individually. You need to help your child establish trust with other older people around them and this can be made easier if the teacher can actually focus on your child. You should also spend time to scrutinize the classes and activities which will be provided by the said preschool so you can assess if it suits the interest and capabilities of your child.

2. Attend events for kids – One good way to help ease your child into a large group of people is to actually attend some events with them and be there to usher them out of their shyness. You can start by taking them to kiddie parties or going to parent-child bonding activities. You really need to invest your time in attending such events with your kids because it’s there that you would be able to observe what triggers their shyness and then come up with better ideas on how you can target such triggers.

3. Set an optimistic example – Once you see your child feeling slightly awkward or unsure of situations, be the person to boost their confidence. It also helps to show your child that things can be accomplished with a can-do attitude. Just make sure that you don’t push them to do something, just coax them into becoming positive about the activity.

4. Talk it out with your child – Sometimes it might be hard on your part to actually understand what makes your kid shy. So to deal with this, you better be open and honest about the situation with your kid and ask him what makes him feel uncomfortable around other people or big crowds. They will be comfortable to tell you about it and then you can help them understand why it’s okay to become more sociable and how can they position themselves in the middle of people they are not yet close with.

5. Role-play at home – If there are specific situations where your kid gets particularly shy, you can help them overcome this by acting it out at home. This way you can also teach your child directly how they can react and speak with people when they are in that particular situation.

The best person who can help your child overcome this is you. All you have to do is be extra caring and thoughtful with this situation because this can have a big impact in the personality development of your child.

     To achieve and maintain a sexually fulfilling lifestyle is something everyone deserves.  Unfortunately, far too often only the bold and the beautiful seem to be able to fully realize their sexual goals and fulfill their erotic fantasies.  For those who are either less attractive, less bold, or both, finding and maintaining sexual partners, particularly partners who interest and excite them, can be a difficult challenge. Nevertheless, everyone deserves to enjoy an active and healthy sex life, and to fulfill his or her secret longings and fantasies (assuming that they are legal of course). If shyness or a lack of confidence is interfering with you realizing your sexual goals and fantasies, it’s time to rid yourself of all apprehensions and take life by the horns.  Life rewards the bold, not just the beautiful.

     If we were all Brad Pitt, perhaps it wouldn’t matter so much if we were shy or timid.  Women would flock to us in bars, at our schools or jobs, even at the grocery stores. All we would need to do is shine those pearly whites at one lustful lady, and she would be ours for the evening.  However, for those of us who are slightly less wealthy and/or attractive than Brad Pitt, courage and determination will have to bridge the gap. Unfortunately, ridding your mind of shyness cannot be learned from a book, nor even an article such as this one. Neither can it be dealt with in the confines of a therapist or doctor’s office (although the drugs they may prescribe could help). The only real and sure way of ridding yourself of shyness is to confront your fears head-on, and the best way to do this is to just go ahead and jump.

     A famous therapist by the name of Albert Ellis once told a story of how he overcame his shyness with women. He gave himself an assignment to approach more than 100 women within one month. Selecting a nearby park, he eventually approached 130 women within the allotted time, though he didn’t land a single date. What he did achieve, however, was much more important. He had totally and completely rid himself of his fear of approaching and speaking to women. What years and years of self-talk could not accomplish, was accomplished within a single month. Sometimes the only way of getting over our fear of jumping into the water, regardless of how high we are from it, is by simply taking the plunge over and over again. Like any fear, shyness can be eroded. This is cheap and effective therapy anyone can afford.

     Shyness stems from a fear of rejection.  Though there may be some genetic disposition issues involved, which we can’t do much about, most shyness is learnt behavior.  This means it can be unlearnt.  Fear, particularly faulty and irrational fear, lives in the dark.  Fears live and flourish in the unknown and the uncertain.  However, you can go over and over worst-case scenarios in your head until the cows come home, and still not have the courage to approach a woman. This is because you need to convince the subconscious mind, rather than the conscious mind.

     The subconscious mind has formed its opinions based mostly on past experiences.  Every time in the past you allowed shyness to prevent you from approaching a woman, your subconscious beliefs were reinforced. So if you want to change your subconscious mind, to change how you feel at your very core, you will need to create new experiences. The fact is you just have to leap out and do it. Have a drink, shut off the internal dialogue, ignore the butterflies, and just do it.  The subconscious mind will soon realize that there is nothing really to fear (but fear itself), and even rejection is not the end of the world.  Like any fear, shyness can be eroded until its dead and gone.  It’s time to rub it to death.

     So just forget about reading all those self-help books and attending all those feel good seminars.  Especially forget the overpriced therapists and psychologists who will attempt to talk you to death. You cannot think your way out of this problem.  You must act your way out of it.  This is good news, of course, because it won’t cost you penny.  It will only cost you time and effort.  You absolutely deserve an active and exciting sex life, even perhaps with multiple partners. Instead of being afraid of approaching women, start being afraid of growing old with a life full of regrets.  I never want to look back at a life full of missed opportunities and unsatisfied fantasies.  Life is just way too short.